i have so many stories to tell lately

so it seems as though i've got an email doppelganger.

a few months back, i got an email from this woman named angie. it was a tasteless, yet funny, joke. not my typical email fodder, but funny. the thing is, i didn't even know the sender.

so i replied: "funny, but i don't know you."

she replied: "oh wow, my husband has the same email address as you, but with a '1' at the end"

then she asked where i was from, because we all have the same last name. whatever. i left it at that. next thing you know, i am getting dumb forwarded joke emails from her husband, who has an email address awfully close to mine. why is he now emailing me?? so weird. anyway, i just deleted them. i figured, why bother replying and being rude. i took the high road for once in my life. and the emails kept coming in. i mean, how hard is it to just delete an unread message?

but today? today was a different day. i got another email from angie. and for some reason, when she emails, i think it's my friend, angie. so i open them to read. and oh, it isn't the angie i know! it's the angie who is remotely related to me. her email today was...interesting.

here is it: (also, picture it in a cheesy, script font)

"i need you on the computer ash is thinking of keeping this kid because annie has talked her dumb ass into keeping it."

OH. MY. GOD.

seriously. is angie referring to abortion? i am appalled! but seriously, like emily said, who is the dumbass in this situation? is it that hard to get an email address right? so i just HAD to respond to this email:

"whoa. wrong email! you guys should take me off your lists. bill has sent me many forwards. i usually just delete them..."

i think she felt pretty crazy. if only she knew that i googled her and found that she has a CHRISTIAN web site...no lie!! do christians condone abortion? she replied, as though she had been embarrassed by my email:

"OH GOD, so sorry about that, I thought I had done that already. So sorry."

"OH GOD"? please. i had to reply:

"It's okay. God doesn't monitor email."

i am awaiting a response.
am i evil?

i hate people.

i got into a fight with a cab driver today.

i had lunch with a coworker today. we went all out and went to beau monde (awesome creperie). we got in the cab to come home...er...back to the office and i started sweating and feeling a little sick. couldn't feel any air, and my window was locked. so i politely asked if he could unlock my window so i could get some air.

immediately the cabbie gave me this nasty attitude and was like, "if i put the window down then that means i have to turn the air off."

so i was like, "sorry, i'm just really uncomfortable. i just need some fresh air"

to that, he replied, "so we all suffer?"

WHOA.
i forget what i said to that, but he finally gave in. he was like, "fine, buddy". in a huff, he turned off the air and opened his windows two front windows. let's not forget that the back and front seats of cabs are separated by a plexiglass window. therefore, my friends, i still got no air. and the cab, of course, smelled like ass and smoke. so i was like, "well you might as well turn it back on, because we can't open the back windows". with that, he finally he unlocks them and puts them all the way down.

coworker and i look at each other and are like, "wow, it actually feels really good!"

the rest of the ride is quiet. and somewhat uncomfortable. i didn't mean to cause such a commotion, but i am sure that cabbie didn't want me to pass out or puke in the cab. seriously, i have been having this issue lately. i got sick on saturday night. i think it was due to the heat.


so the next part gets interesting. because if you know me, you know that i am not taking this guys shit without at least getting a dig in. so when i get out, i actually tipped him (i didn't want to look like a loser/cheapo to my coworker and she paid for the cab there). so as i am getting out (coworker is out of the car), i said, "thanks for being so generous with the air." that was it.

as we walk into the building, he starts screaming. we couldn't hear him and i just ignored it. i had no idea what he was saying, but it was something to the effect of,
"you better watch who you're messing with."

now i know i was not a model citizen in this situation, but come on.

i need advice

ok, so i have an interview with a web design company scheduled for thursday at 3.

should i go? here are my weighing factors:

1. i am not 100% sure that this job that i am in is the right one for me. but it's not horrible and i am doing well. hell, i even got an employee recognition ($25 gift card and a "shout out" by the vp in the company newsletter. and i have been here almost 4 months. plus, we are being bought by a major corporation, which could be exciting...

2. i met one of their employees this summer and she gave me a recommendation for the job. this new place is very small (as opposed to the huge place i work for. i just got my picture taken for a corporate id. (that is how big we're talking.)

3. it took like 3 weeks to schedule this appointment. pretty annoying.

4. a lot of people are unhappy and generally pretty miserable here. one of my coworkers, also a classmate from college, is going back to her old job. today is her last day.

what to do? i am thinking i will just go and check it out. it won't hurt anything, right?

a pizza my mind: part 2.

ellio's responded! see below:

Dear Mr. Harned:

Thank you for taking the time to contact McCain Foods USA, Inc. concerning our Ellio’s Frozen Pizza. You stated that you were disappointed with the size of the slices of pizza in your recent purchase.

Ellio’s continues to be a great value priced pizza, and has only initiated one price increase in over 10 years; despite ingredient and packaging cost increases. The minor change in size is an effort to avoid increasing prices to our consumer. We appreciate your support and use of our products and value you as a loyal consumer. I will mail a complimentary coupon to your attention with the information you forwarded. Thank you for your comments.

Sincerely,

Customer Rep. Name Here (I deleted this)
Consumer Affairs Coordinator
McCain Foods USA, Inc.
www.ellios.com

free pizza for the fatty. see what an email can do??? but seriously. why not just raise the price? no, let's keep it the same price and make it miniature. that just doesn't make sense to me. you usually buy products that say, "NOW 40% BIGGER!!" on the box. this one says nothing. but when you open the box, to your (or at least my) surprise, see three mini pizzas. LAME.

i say hike the price and give me my big slices back. or, i will just buy the store brand. it's better anyway!

god, i am so depressing.

sorry, but...

dorky white people annoy the shit out of me.

a coworker (the staring one) was just telling an older woman (i actually like her) that he saw the wu tang clan over the weekend. i stopped listening and then i heard her say, "i'm a big fan of the woot tang clan! they are like seriously are crazy. they rock!"

ughhhhhh...

warning: adult content. sort of...?

here is a close up of the tile.



we saw one of our neighbors again last night and she was like, "we might cover it up down the road..."

then emily showed another neighbor and he couldn't figure out what it was. that is funny to me on so many levels.

enjoy, stalker.

wall of shock and terror

so, the mosaic mural horror show is almost complete.

i haven't helped do anything, because i am not into it. and i'm not interested in mingling with the people who have paid $250 to do this work. and from what we can hear, the artist is bossy (yells at people loudly to execute his vision). i guess i am not really a fan of this wall in the end. i mean, yes, it looks better than a feces-stained cinder block wall, but there is an addition that is just putting it over the edge.

THERE IS A VAGINA TILE.


(click on the picture to see a closer view)

unbelievable. we walked outside last night with a few friends and noticed a tile, right above the neighbor's window that strangely resembles a millipede. or a big cartoon-like hairy vag with a butt hole. this picture does no justice, but i had to try to take a picture out of the window of the front door. i really need a new camera.

anyway, at first i was laughing really hard. our neighbors were like, "we could take it down." but we declined and left. then i started to think about it. and now i think it's really bad. it's funny. but not really. in the end, i will be looking at a vagina tile every time i leave my house. and what about when i have to sell the house? will someone see the vagina tile and it will be a deal breaker? nahhh...it's funny.

for the record, i have to state that i am not a fan of this mural. and i can't believe we donated money to this artist who basically charges people to do his dirty work. what a crock! and to top it off, it's fucking ugly! look at the PINK AND PURPLE grout that they are using. ughhhhhh...



i swear, it gets worse every time i look outside. nothing i can do about it.
come over, take a look. find the subtle (or not so subtle) references. and take a poop on it if you like. i don't care. you'd never see it anyway.

my own hbo special

way back in the day, carter and i were watching hbo in our dorm room and came across this story about a crazy guy who decided he could not live indoors. i don't really remember much about the story. but one one excerpt really stuck with me:

the cameras followed him down an alley, behind a dumpster. the camera turned left, toward a wall that was streaked. the camera goes back to mr. crazy and he says, "it's feces. shit. means you're not allowed around here."

it was so funny and so disturbing that it has stuck with me. i can't even count how many times i have said it since. too many, i'm sure. and now i know it will never leave. and this is why...

yesterday morning, i went outside on my way to work and saw a pile of crap in the street, up against one of the backs of the houses where the mural is to live. flies were swarming and clinging to the ball of poo. i nearly puked. it was stained on the wall (hence the opening reference).

i walked a few steps further and saw it smeared on my neighbor's house! there was a plastic bag sitting over it. but it was so close to the other poo pile that it was just too suspect. whatever, i needed to get to work. and i was not about to touch it anyway.

later on friday night, a few neighbors were outside. the guy who had the poo on his house said he cleaned it up. everyone thinks it was HUMAN crap. disgusting. but a few of us, who are newer to the block, swear that it was a dog pile. there are facts for both sides:

For the Dogs:
there was a plastic bag. maybe that means an unknowing master had a puppy with diarrhea? maybe the mess was just so bad that they ran and left it. sadly, this is the only point under the "for the dogs" header.

For the Humans
Well, the ball of poo near the mural was sort of high on the wall. it seems almost impossible for a dog to crap that high. Strike one.
One of the neighbor's dogs wanted to eat the poo REALLY bad. i bet it had some tender vittles in it. sick.

in any case, it's all cleaned up now. in my mind, it was dog poo. not crackhead poo. i can not imagine what i would have done had i seen either incidences. i most likely would have yelled, "it's feces! shit! means your not allowed around here!"

ellio will pay

has anyone noticed that ellio's pizza has been dramatically cut in size?
i am going to email them and give them a pizza my mind.

liver, no onions.

my liver has been freed!

i had the stent removed from my liver yesterday morning. i went in at 8:30 for my 9:30 appointment, because of all of the prep time. first, they led me back to a patient prepping area where first they made me get changed. the woman handed me 2 of the XXXXL robes, which were really not necessary. i mean, i know i am chubbed out, but come on. i had to put two of them on, and the sleeves were so huge and baggy that they actually come down to my wrist. it was pretty funny. i felt like i was in a clown suit. because not only was it HUGE, it was also a different print from the regular sized robe. of course, never make the fatty feel comfortable, make them stand out even more.

so they sat me down, asked me 120 questions that they have asked me at least 10 times before, and got my IV in. that is never comfortable. then i sat there and waited to be escorted to my room. as i was sitting there, i listened to an old man tell a nurse that his "penis hurt" and that his wife died recently. god, i don't want to get old. then i found myself mesmerized by the print on the gown i was wearing. it was geometric shapes mixed with line drawings of several of those shapes. in many bright colors. it was very 80s. i was an 80s clown, about to have my body invaded with a scope. through my mouth.

so, finally, a guy came and took me to my operating room. he asked me if i was a wrestler...? so, i replied, "yes, a sumo wrestler." i am so weird.

i get into the room, i lay down, and he tells me that he is going to give me lydocane (not sure if that is spelled right, and i am not checking.)and that it was going to taste really horrible. like rotten bananas. people in the medical field have the weirdest analogies for feelings that things they administer give. when i was getting one of my 20 ct scans, the woman told me it would feel like i peed my pants. it sort of did. and i guess it sort of tasted like rotten bananas...drowning in chemicals?

so then they made me turn to my side and put this thing in my mouth. basically a contraption to keep it open. then i fell asleep.

i woke up at about 11, had some cranberry juice to rinse that gross chemical taste away, and got dressed. and that was it.

i slept almost all of yesterday. and now i am back at work. (it's a sloooow day today.) i do have some weird feelings in my side. let's hope i don't have to go through any of this again.

coke rage: an amazing week in celebrity gossip

i'm no perez hilton, that's for damn sure. but i loves me some celebrity gossip.

so two big stories about to big fuckheads: lindsay lohan and britney spears.

hilarious and sad at the same time.

"la lohan" was caught drunk driving with coke on her. apparently she was stalking her ex-assitant's mom? total coke rage. when will this kid ever learn? users are losers, losers are users. don't use drugs. don't use drugs. (take a bit outta crime!)

and brit-brit had a meltdown during an interview with Ok! magazine? i have an inside source who says they will be publishing the article. could this bring Ok! out and make it a formidable rag? doubtful. sorry, trish's freind who works at Ok! (my source). i can not wait to hear what happened. do you think she went into a coke rage and threw her baby across the room? or maybe she used it as an ottoman during the interview?

we'll all know on friday.

first picture

here it is...as of today. the whole thing should be done this weekend!

so magical!

our neighborhood is going from mexico to magical!

our neighbor contacted this artist names isaiah zagar to create a mural on the wall that faces our homes. and he started on sunday. it's going to be interesting. i will post pictures soon. but check out his site in the meantime...

http://www.philadelphiasmagicgardens.org/

btw--went to AC yesterday to see emily's uncle's bad, the exceptions (they played at our wedding=good times). so i got drunk outside, ate at hooters with family (weird), and only wasted $20 in the casino. was in bed by 10. i'm old. tonight is the morrissey concert.

creepy.

i'm at work. just looked up and a male coworker was staring directly at me. when he realized i caught him staring, he gave me "the nod." i looked back at my computer and kept working.

5 minutes later, i sensed the staring again. i looked over. he was leaning back in his chair, with his feet up, staring at me like a dog eyeballs a big pile of red meat.

so bizarre. should i get my seat changed or something?

dinner for 4

so we had our neighbors over for dinner tonight. it was a great time.

we had grilled chicken, eggplant, asparagus and mushrooms. i have to say, i love grilling and chilling. or grillin n' chillin? both.

conversation ranged from gardening to midgets. it was so adult. i have never felt so adult. until i had one too many beers and puked on the neighbor's wife. kidding.

keep it real. and invite yourself over for dinner any time. me and wifey would love it.

i forgot about this thing

i promise to write more soon!!