metabolize. uh.

do you ever feel really embarrassed for others? i do.
do you ever wonder why some people are just so dumb? i do.

case in point: i was at 7-11 this morning getting coffee. it was me and three large girls at the coffee station (is that what you'd call it?). i was listening to my ipod (new sean lennon, so good), but i could hear their loud mouths over my mellow music. what i heard is what embarrassed me and later made me sad.

lady one: "yeah you know da one in da blue bottle?" (points at fat free vanilla creamer)
lady two: "mmmhummmm..."
lady one: "i heard that one turns food in to metabolism so you lose weight."
lady two: (pouring another creamer in her xxl coffee) "oh okay"
lady three: "girl gimmedat! i need some metabolism."

and it went on and on. this woman was throwing the word "metabloism" around like she was a food scientist. a really loud food scientist...who failed out of school.

it's not like i was going to sit there and explain that metabolism isn't in a fat free creamer. or any food for that matter. it was just funny. and a little sad. more funny, actually. from now on when i see that creamer it will remind me of how it can make food in to metabolism.

ps-read the title of this blog in a notorious b.i.g. voice.

i hate this weather.

i found myself sweating this morning. and it's november 29! on the east coast.

i put a coat on and walked outside. for a second i was fine. but by the time i got around the corner, i was breaking a sweat. not good. i walked back home and took the coat off. i didn't need a coat or a jacket! it's that warm. (i also changed my shoes, because i realized they were brown and my pants are gray, shirt is black. i was really tired.)

right now, it's actually in the 60's and the heat is on in my office. i am gonna die. and you know what? it's going to be really hard to get into the christmas spirit in this sort of weather. one year, when my sister lived in arizona, we went there for christmas. it was so strange. church was outside on christmas. it was also weird on another level, because the mass was all light hearted and hippie-ish. people were holding hands and swaying their arms and shit. it was so uncatholic to me. but i guess that's how they roll on the west coast.

as for me, i want it bitterly cold, no talking or even looking at anyone else in church (until you do the "peace be with you". and even then you can snub whomever you want. seriously.), and absolutely no sweating (unless you are in the gym, i guess).

so come on, mother nature! make out with kris kringle and get this thing chilled. i need to feel like it's chrissy.

i'm taking bets

what are the odds of emily and i actually moving on december 8?

as of this morning, there is no signed addendum...and we are "scheduled" to make settlement on december 8. that is one week from this friday. i bet i won't even know until monday the 4th. so frustrating.

at this point, it's messing with the holidays and that is making me cranky. we can't set up a tree, put out decorations, or even make cookies, because we're in the (gorillas in the?) midst of packing! i just want to be holly jolly. grrr.

and in the meantime, our apartment is going to be sold out from under us on december 27. we better move!

anyway, i hope everyone enjoys their holidays. all comfy in your homes, while thinking of me and the wife...homeless.

the cake.

my sister is out of control.
thanks kim!

shout outs to emily

thursday is thanksgiving. and i am gonna gorge myself on everything. go fatty!
thanksgiving is like a birthday party for fat people. speaking of birthdays...

i have to give major "props" to my number one, my baby boo, emily harned. she threw me an awesome party on saturday at the mummers museum. i wish i had pictures to post...i will soon, i hope (hook a brother up, brian). all i have to say is mummers theme, complete with blow-up instruments, feathers, confetti and philly-style food. also...and excellent party favor. buttons with my picture superimposed on various mummers costumes. amazing.

my wife is awesome. and she's cute too. i love her.

get it done!

it's been a while since i have updated this jawny.

this week has been pretty weird. my grandfather died on sunday morning. sad, but he's in a better place now.

so i am stuck in the excited-but not really, because i can't be-mode. the house is supposed to be finished and we're supposed to make settlement on tuesday, november 21. we walked over to the house on saturday at about 10 am. it was a beautiful morning so we got up early and checked it out. we were so excited, because the door was ajar. we walked through, and it definitely was not done. no hardwood, no carpeting, no paint, no fixtures and no toilets! GRRR.

so we walked out and i heard someone outside. we were a little freaked, because we were sort of trespassing. so i lean out and smell marijuana. uh-oh...should i go out? we walk out really quick, say hi and keep going the other way. it seemed so shady, yet i was not the one smoking weed on the stoop? the guy says, while we are facing the other way--hustling up the tiny street, "you should have told me i would show you this house. it's done!"

so he put his joint out, we walked over and saw the finished house. and it's everything we want. so we're excited.

now we are waiting to hear if we're delayed for tuesday or not! but we stopped back again last night and spoke to the general contractor. he thinks it will be done this weekend. we'll see. if we are delayed, it probably has something to do with the pot smoking!

master of illusion.

david copperfield IS magic!

did anyone read the article about how three teens attempted to rob david copperfield after a show? hilarious.

let me quote the story below (from cnn.com)

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Copperfield, 50, and two female assistants were walking from the Kravis Center to their tour bus when they were approached by the teens April 23. The assistants handed over money and a cellphone, but the illusionist turned his pockets inside out to reveal nothing, although he was carrying his passport, wallet and cell phone.

"He said in depositions that he had things on him, but it wasn't difficult to make it seem like there was nothing there," prosecutor Sherri Collins said.

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hilarious. now i am no fan, but that sort of thing makes me want to like this guy. and to me, it seems like his publicist should be having a field day with it! i mean, who really cares about david copperfield anymore. well, aside from the three teenagers (one has been convicted and thrown in jail for two years).

ok, i am going to go and make my coffee and bagel disappear.
have a great day.

someone call the po po!

i have to say, i have seen this shirt a few times at random flea markets (holla back, columbus, nj!). and i have always been tempted to buy it. it's just amazing to me.

she ate the baby!

i really don't understand anna nicole smith.
but that is beside the point.

i just saw this picture and it made me laugh really hard. i even snorted.

repost: the story of me.

this appeared on my myspace blog last year, on this momentus day.

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in honor of my 29th birthday, i will tell you about me:

i was born in bethlehem, the son of a carpenter and a virgin. i was a priveleged child, as many believed i was conceived by the holiest of all creatures. we're talking about g-o-d. yup, dat's my daddy.

just kidding.

i was born in nj, home of bruce springsteen, frank sinatra, whitney houston, queen latifah, michael douglas, jon bon jovi, jerry lewis, linda tripp, meryl streep, kelly ripa, shaq, robert blake, jack nicholson, kevin smith, frankie muniz, tara reid, abbott and costello, and the list goes on...what i am trying to say is that i come from a state where a lot of losers live. aww, sad. but i love new jersey. it's my roots. not like the movie roots, but you know what i mean.

growing up, i loved to ride my bike and play outside games like kickball, wiffle ball, freeze tag and kick the can with the neighborhood kids. i had two best friends--they were both a year older than me. so they went to kindergarten a year before me. i cried for days when everyone would go to school and i wasn't allowed. that's when i became addicted to drugs. (not really, but i wish i could make this more dramatic)

when i made it to school, i was the over-sized, awkward kid who was basically a year older than the whole class. i might have been been taller than my teacher. with a deeper voice. i was a creative kid-i loved to draw and paint. one day in kindergarten, i was drawing with craypas (is that how you spell it?). i think it was dress up day for school pictures, so my mom put me in white pants and an izod shirt--oh yes, preppy was my style. sort of like blaine in pretty in pink, only i was 5 years old. so i got all into my creative side and wiped the colors allll over my pants. i was into my art. when i looked down and saw the mess i had made, i cried. then i turned to alcohol. (again, drama)

by middle school, i was the gangliest, goofiest child you might have ever seen. i had braces, giant glasses (my cheeks could see too), and a "surfer" cut (shaved on the bottom, long on top--maybe like a reverse mullet?). i was still into sports back then. i played soccer, baseball and basketball. little did you all know, but i was an all star and mvp basketball player in my day (not really saying much). i would get so into the game that my glasses would fling off of my face and i'd go blind. the ref would have to stop the game and pick my broken glasses up. then i'd have to sit out the rest of the game and go home to glue them together. i was hot, stylish and athletic.

by the end of middle school, it was time to choose where i would go to high school. all of my classmates were going to the public high school. but my parents decided that i needed to go to cathloic high school. the public school had a rough reputation and i was obviously not cut out for that--i could show you some serious moves on the court or on the dancefloor, but i am no good with knives. or even my fists. so i parted ways with all of the friends i had made over the past 9 years and went my own way--in polyster pants, a synthetic sweater and a white shirt and mickey mouse tie.

i wouldn't say i was a real "go getter" in high school, but i held my own. i made good grades, but i didn't make out much. poor slob. i might have had 2 or 3 girlfriends? all total weirdos, but hey, that's life. but i did make the best friends ever. and they were mostly girls. weird? i remember how i made friends with teresa--we rode the bus together. she was the awkward, lanky girl who didn't talk to anyone. i thought she was a snob. and she probably felt the same way about me. i think we started talking when they put a camera on our bus--i think we came from the rough part of town. all of the kids were psycho and would throw stuff out the windows and scream. so teresa and i tried to make friends with the bus driver--i don't know, maybe we though she would protect us? she would never tell us her name. she was a very manly woman. short blonde hair, flannels, tight jeans, a constant cigarrette in her mouth. when we asked her name, she said, "call me bitch." no lie. we laughed and called her bitch. from that day forward (until teresa started driving her amazing station wagon to school), we sat right behind her and sat quietly, staring at the bus camera with our mouths open. i wish i could get my hands on those tapes today. people must've thought we were "special" or just on something.

teresa and i ended up going to college together. that was a fun time. although we shared a lot of friends, we had separate friends and always could hang out with each other and our friends. but college was weird for me. i joined a fraternity? what the hell? sounds strange, i know, but it was a lot of fun. and i made some great friends. and drank a lot of alcohol.

i have to stop the story here. i am sure that if you are reading this, you are happy. and you know what, i am not going to go back and read this--if there are typos, you will have to deal with it.

we'll pick up part 2 later on in the day, or maybe even tomorrow.

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i never did pick up on part two. maybe i will get motivated and do that this year.

tomorrow i turn old

i will be 30.

to prove that i am getting older, i give you this:

it's the day after halloween and i have heartburn. i ate some candy last night. sad fatty.

cheers! happy birthday to me tomorrow.