vintage posting: things that make my heart hurt

this was originally posted on my old blog on march 29, 2006. it's totally vintage.

things that make my heart hurt

"somewhere, someone is wearing a tube top. in church."

i am quoting an old friend's book here because it directly relates to a conversation i am having with my friend alice over im. (yes, i know, the fact that i consider "im" a conversation is making your heart hurt. shut up.) but sometimes in life you just want to cry for people. they embarrass you. they make your heart hurt. so let me just list a few...

-"the garter belt toss" at weddings. you know this always ends up being tragic. an innocent 15-year old girl wants to catch the pretty flowers and a 40 year-old alchie is vying for some wedding-ass. the two worlds collide in the middle of an empty dancefloor to the beat of "maneater" by hall and oates-in front of hundreds of your closest family and friends--and it is ultimately TRAGIC. my heart hurts just writing this. in fact, alice just told me about a wedding she went to when the bouquet-catcher grabbed the garter-catcher's crotch and proceeded to ride his back like some wild cowgirl-stripper. what? that made me puke a little in my mouth. and this is why there was no messing with the garter at my wedding.

-christmas sweaters. oh my god, being "festive" needs to stop at the wardrobe. you can decorate your house, your office, your car (well, maybe not your car), whatever...just please don't decorate your clothes. and DO NOT wear christmas ball earrings if you are over 12, please? emily and i went to disney with my family 2 christmases ago and people were SO decked out. this leads me to another point...

-the adult fascination with disney. hey, i'm not gonna lie. i like disney. we have been there and had a great time-as adults...without kids. but it ends there, okay? there is no way in hell that you will catch me in disney denim. or with a mickey head on my antenna. or in a christmas hat with disney character ears coming out of it (see last point). but chances are, you will catch a hell of a lot of depressing people with it! and it killlllls me! you want to know what the worst is? POOH. fucking pooh. my heart is sinking as i type this, but it really makes me sad when i see a grown up in a pooh shirt. it makes me feel like eeyore. one time, i heard that someone i know was dating a GUY who wore a pooh shirt. thank god i never had to see that. i would have curled up in a corner and cried.

-goth. was it ever really cool? no. well, in the sense of like the cure or maybe some other music it was. but that is not what makes my heart hurt. it's the fact that so many current goths are really, extremely depressing in another way--a geeky, zitty, black make-up at age 13 with big black pants and a slipknot shirt sort of way. hot topic is to be blamed for this. the guy who opened that store had a good idea. the idea, you ask? to make my heart hurt. if i see one more little boy with painted fingernails and a choker, i might cry. now that is goth. but seriously, this is a call to all parents of goths: hide the make-up, the nail polish, the japanese anime and horror dvds, and the bad music. save your child from being an eternal weirdo. it's cool to be different. it's not cool to make my heart hurt.

-(i just wrote a really long piece here and decided to cut it out because it made my heart hurt so bad.)

-old people at the doctor's office...in the city. really, this could be two different topics, but i am losing steam. i went to the eye dr. yesterday because my right pupil i inexplicably dilated. but i was sitting there and there was an old couple sitting there...staring at me. i wanted to show them the magazine rack so they would stop looking at me, but i realized that they had really thick glasses (woman) and solar shields (man) on. so ignored it and smiled at them. they probably couldn't see me. heart. hurt. ing. ugh...

so then, she says to him, "honey, the time in the meter is probably up and we have not seen the doctor yet. do you have any quarters." of course he had none. i gave him one. then i realized that i should've gone outside and fed the meter for him. old people crossing the street in the city scares me. and makes me SAD. so sad. oh so sad. move to the country, already. you will be happier there. things are sloooow. wa.

-the real world. i just turned. i used to like it. now i hate it. the people are acting so hard that it upsets me. i can't watch it no mo. sorry, mary bunim (r.i.p.).

-people like eminem. god i have to admit that i am wildly entertained by these kids in their hoodies, the crazy-huge pants, the bad arm tattooes, the gold (oh, the gold). but when they open their mouths and they sound like they think they come from the hood, it pains me. why you gotta talk like yous a gangsta, beee-otch?

geez. i could go one for days if i really put my mind to it. but i am tired and it's time to go. plus, this is probably the longest blog i have ever written. i am a loser. i make my own heart hurt sometimes. actually, i make my own heart hurt a lot.